Opinion



DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have tried for many years to conceive, exploring all that is possible. When we finally gave up, we got pregnant! I cannot explain the joy we felt. We had the most loving pregnancy.

Now our beautiful baby girl is with us, and I couldn’t ask for a better father. But there is a problem. We haven’t had sex since my husband found out we were pregnant. At first he said he didn’t want to disrupt the pregnancy. Now he’s just making all kinds of excuses. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn’t open up.

I have to say he is a perfect husband in all other respects. At first I thought he was cheating on me. I checked his computer and his phone ?? nothing. Cheating would be almost impossible as he goes to the office and comes straight home. He doesn’t go out after work.

So what’s up? We’ve had the best sex life for years. I don’t want a sexless marriage! How do I bring up this subject with my husband? He won’t answer me anymore.

?? Living without her love, east of Winnipeg

Dear Living Without: An experienced relationship counselor could help you put all the hidden issues on the table with a few good questions, posed with sensitivity. For example, was your man turned off during pregnancy and is he now having trouble turning back on? Are you still breastfeeding, and again, he thinks he shouldn’t bother you? Does the baby wake up at the slightest noise? Is the baby sleeping in your room? Are you still up several times a night for feedings and feeling completely tired? Does my sensitive husband sleep with his ears open, just like you?

And now for the biggest questions: Is your husband worried about another pregnancy too soon? Maybe he just wants a child and doesn’t know how to tell you he wants to use contraception or go for shears. It has been extremely trying these past few years for both of you. Think about it now: could you be happy with just one child?

It’s smart for you to go to bat for your wedding now. A relationship counselor has seen all of these sensitive issues before.

The good news? Sex experts say low desire is more often caused by fatigue and stress than lack of interest.

Your husband probably needs to talk to the relationship expert on his own first, to let go of the stress he finds it hard to talk to you about. You may also need a few private sessions before speaking to the relationship counselor. Hope you get some help getting your whole marriage back on track, including that mutually satisfying sex life you miss.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Since my divorce I have been working hard for my job and my family six days a week ?? and on the seventh day I rest. I don’t even cook on Sundays. I make extra meals on the other six days and they are in the fridge when my teens want to reheat them. This way, I don’t have a husband who complains that I’m a lazy witch, while he drinks in the background. I just want my loneliness.

The only thing I do on Sunday is attend a church service on television. My teens think I’m a nutcase. I get out of bed after Sunday service, take a leisurely bubble bath, go for a walk to exercise with the dog, and come home for a coffee. I often have visits with my sister or a close neighbor.

Last night my oldest son, now 17, accused me of being ?? a bad mother ?? for not putting a big Sunday dinner on the table like other mothers do. What do you think?

?? Momma needs a day off, Selkirk

Dear Mom: Your 17 year old big boy is in pain. He was probably embarrassed to have to tell you that parenting work with him and his siblings is not yet over. Your son wants the feeling of family gathered around the table on Sunday, with or without his father. It’s not too much to ask of you, after you’ve spent the day resting and having some time for yourself.

Since all the food is prepared in advance, could you perhaps reheat it, put it on the table, and sit with the kids as a loving parent? It’s a traditional time to eat with your family and talk about the past week and the week to come. How about a board game afterwards to have fun together? This family would need to laugh.

Your kids aren’t gone yet, so don’t act like they are, or won’t you see them much after they’re gone ?? and it might feel very lonely.

Please send questions and comments to [email protected] or Miss Lonelyhearts c / o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonely Hearts

Miss Lonely Hearts
Consulting columnist

Each year the Free press publishes over 1,000 letters to Miss Lonelyhearts and her answers to questions about life and relationships that come before her.

Read the full biography

Maureen Scurfield

Maureen Scurfield
Consulting columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts Advice Column.

Read the full biography


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